Australian Critics of
This page maintained by David Gerard.
Entertainment for Clambakers
"A walk down the path of history is crunchy with the crispy corpses of
those who pooh-poohed or ignored the clown car of ridicule when it
pulled-up to the curb" - Stephen Jones
My basic criterion for this page is that I laugh out loud, both when
saving the post initially and when reading it back before webbing. Not
just thinking, 'hmm, this is pretty funny', but making loud noises with
my mouth. A lot of these will be incomprehensible to those who haven't
suffered an overload of Scientology jargon. Your mileage will almost
certainly vary ...
Q. Which lunatic apocalyptic millenarian gun-collecting
UFO death cult will win in this Epic Battle, started when the Co$ raided
Dennis Erlich? (Still the ONLY person EVER to get his SubGenius Membership
FREE. Hell, even Ivan Stang paid for his!)
A. Why, the one with the GOOD JOKES, of course.
- The Testimony of Rev Gypsy Joker -
The Brag of President-for-Life Rev. Gypsy Joker, United Church of Bob &
International House of Eris Apostles, 1st Church of Gnostan. Dedicated to henry.
- Dennis McClain-Furmanski: Scientific
Proof of how to enhance your Operating Thetan powers! - Dennis
McClain-Furmanski works in just about the best neuroscience lab in the
world. Prompted by David C. Smith, he decided to take the chance to test the
ARSCC's favourite method of enhancing that Gnarly
OT Glare. (See also Daniel Davidson's
discovery of this amazing tool.)
- Dennis McClain-Furmanski: Elron the
SubGenius - It's too late to try to buy a ticket to SubGenius
Hell for LRH. See, someone already bought him a SubGenius membership ...
- Pope Charles: March of the
Psychlos - "No vocals, except a distorted electronicky
sounding voice that appears to be saying 'Yo! Yo! Yo! Fart! Fart!
Fart!'" Plus info on The Happy Listener's Guide to Mind
Control cassette, put out by radio WMFU in 1992. "You'll want
to hit the 'mute' button on your brain's micro-transmitter."
- Pope Charles: The experiment
ends - The Pope attempts to restimulate a.r.s's Arsclycus engrams. LRH:
"... If you want to make your PC terribly tired and worn out, if you want
to put him under good control, and start him down the automaticity curve,
that's another one, if you want to put him down the automaticity curve
rapidly, just suggest something to him about Arsclycus ..."
- Anonymous: The Return Of The Messiah
- Scientology-Fiction, set one hundred years from now.
- Screwloose: Scientologists of
Gor - "You haven't seen Battlefield Gor or
the 10-volume Mission Gor series in bookstores yet, have you?
I hear LRH, Robert Anton Wilson, Robert Heinlein, Isaac Asimov and Frank
Herbert were planning to get together in a posthumous collaboration to
expand some of their most famous trilogies as well ..."
- Rob Clark: The Power Of Prayer!
- "... eventually i tossed aside the hubbard-skull. it no longer seemed to
be a 'workable' ritual. the eyesockets were too smooth from the many many
other lovers this skull has had. none of the 'ridges' were there any more and
it no longer had the rough edges that had so cast me into paroxysms of
ecstasy. the 'ridges' had been flattened. nevertheless, i still prayed to
dobbs, or at least shot at the dumb son of a bitch every time the stupid
bastard tried to sell me shoes or some other silly product. hey, buckshot is a
form of prayer, isn't it? either way, the lucky son of a bitch always eluded
- Valerie Emanuel: L. Ron's
Ghost - A cautionary Christmas tale. Also available translated
- Rob Clark: Scientology And
Art - "i do believe that could do it. hubbard's art, and
'thank you for listening' over and over again for about six hours would
probably drive most people into a permanent and horrid state of insanity
in which they might spend the rest of their lives in an asylum ...
LAUGHING THEIR ASSES OFF."
- David Gerard: Fifty SubGeniuses walk
into a Scientologist bar ... - SubGenius fiction. "We
didn't have to go this far. You know how it is - you're the vicious,
disruptive biker horde, you ride into the small town scene and kick more
butt than those poor fools knew they ever had. Charm the womenfolk, drink
the beer, smash a chair or two. Good clean SubGenius fun. But you don't
break the place up completely. Hell, no."
- Jim Fetters: SubGenius Success
Stories - true-life testimonies to the power of
The ARSCC Entheta Activist Files
- Anonymous: Why the ARSCC keeps at
the battle - "A big reason Scientology is getting
a lot of negative attention is because, guess what, you all are
entertaining. Not because we like destruction per se, but because, frankly,
we 'ain't seen nuthin like this ever'; a completely wacked out group of
robots hell bent on self destruction ..."
- a.r.s.c.c.au letterhead -
Microsoft Rich Text Format, 2288 bytes. This version requires the Centaur
Italic font (Windows, TrueType), but you can of course play with it to your
- Office of Special Affairs Interest Points
Calculator - You say you're a critic - well, what have you
done to get up the OSA's nose lately, huh? This document - placed
here in the public interest - is what the OSA actually uses to calculate
who to harass next for the dread crime of criticising Scientology
(and includes orders on how to effect such harassment). Print it out and
work out your real score.
- Robert Vaughn Young: Scientology's knee-jerk
responses tell you everything - "This gives a good
measure for people who want to measure their effectiveness on ARS, or
elsewhere. How much the Knee-Jerk Cult comes back at you is directly
proportional to how effective you are. And don't worry. They can't read
and understand this, despite the wonders of LRH study tech."
- BRCs for SPs -
"Use your scanner and a paint program to digitize both sides of the
business reply card. When you are sure the image has been digitized,
use your laser printer to print the images on card stock."
- Steven Fishman: How To Stop The Cult From Telephone
Terrorism - Ever bothered $cientology badly enough that they
start harassing you any way they can? It's not so hard to shake 'em off if
you use the weapons Xenu gave you ...
- Degrado the Survivalist Clown on the
Scientology mailing list - Reasons to enhance their mailing
list (p.s. if you're on their junk mail list and don't want to be,
send the junk to me!), and how to do it.
"A penny wasted is a blow for sanity as far as the cult is
concerned." Plus Steve Zadarnowski on why to send in as many
Personality Tests as possible: "A good way to keep a Staff
Scientologist off the street for an hour."
- The Squirrel: Bad
Squirrels - The Squirrel decides to put the many kilos of CoS
documents he found in the rubbish to good use: putting the wind up AOSH
- Roland Rashleigh-Berry: My Reply to
Helena - A suitable template for responding to an e-mailed
legal demand from the RTC's attorney, Helena K. Kobrin.
"These emails allow the posters to exercise their own wit and sharp
thinking in giving a reply. The effect of the reply is to let the sender
know that they are no fools either when it comes to legal matters and they
were not intimidated by the email and nor are they ever likely to be. They let
the sender know in a well worded response that they have crossed swords with
an equal if not more competent player in the legal arena ..."
- John McMaster: I FLUNKED
John Charmichael (OSA) - TWICE! - tips on thoroughly enturbulating
ARSCC Internal Memoranda
- The a.r.s Central Committee crossword -
Compiled by Lance S. Buckley. Win! Win!
- The version linked above uses tables; Lynx users should
go to the original post for the text version.
- Deana Holmes: 101 Uses AND MORE for
Dead LRon's Skull - The contributors of EFNet #scientology in
blistering think-tank mode. "Did you know that you can do more with
the skull of L. Ron Hubbard than ..."
- Cerberus: Memo from a Wog Dog - The Church of the
Relentlessly Annoying People - An a.r.s classic: how the CoS can
successfully disentangle itself from this Net mess. "Everyone needs a
church, and I see CoS as filling a special need ..."
- Joe Harrington on who pays the
ARSCC - "I don't think there are any big secrets here?
We've covered this all before, thanks to the great investigative skills of
OSA and their anon shills ..."
- Ray Randolph: FLASH: Scientology
- Doe1thru5: The ARSCC Santa
Defense Fund - Ray Randolph on the latest in egregious
Scientology litigation; Doe1thru5 thoroughly investigates whether Santa
deserves to be placed under the ARSCC's protective wing.
- Doe1thru5 on truth in religion
- A front-lines report on the latest in scientific veracity calculation.
"My good friend Israel Finkelstein was just saying to me the
other day, as he took his Hannakah sample out of the chromatograph and
proudly displayed the results proving what he'd been saying all along
(with a 99.999% correlation in exp v exp plot no less) about the
veracity of Judaism ..."
- Dave Touretzky: News from the year
2000 - Kobrin to join Microsoft; Ward Industries releases
Moby Pottymouth 2.1; Minton approached by Unification Church;
Carnegie Mellon announces new endowed chair; Freewinds docks in
- Tovaresch: Xenu's Dictionary
- With apologies to Ambrose Bierce.
- Prignillius: Flaming and
killfiling - Prignillius shows you the way. Don't just
killfile - spit bile!
- NoScieno: Haikumatic output - 1st
$cien-Kus from the Mk Super VII (tm) - "The Scien-ku-tron
Mk VII Super (beta) seems to be functioning well. I found all the parts at
Radio Shack and Toys-R-Us, except for the Tesla coil and that HUGE
capacitor (a couple rolls of tinfoil, some wax paper; no problem)."
- Roland Rashleigh-Berry: OT Googolplex
- Roland Rashleigh-Berry: E-meter
limitations - "I have greatly simplified the design of the
e-meter for the upper levels of the Bridge (OT VIII through to OT
Googolplex). But I have not addressed the redesign of the e-meter for
lower level auditing ..."
- Hud Nordin: From The FBI
Archives - A recently-released letter from the files.
- Roland Rashleigh-Berry: Thanks
LRH and 100% Standard Tech - An incredibly theta Success
Story of 100% Standard Tech. VWD Roland!
- Not Jet: Not Really A Big Win!
- Troutman as inspired by Robert "Jet" Carlson, one of a.r.s's finer
Scientologist posters."Remember the Scientology motto: It works for me;/
That's what counts./ Give us money/ In large amounts."
- Brad Wallace: The Presley-Jackson marriage
explained - "Of course, that's only my take on
the situation, and none of this may have happened, and as such this is
fantasy, but it would explain a few things, now wouldn't it ..."
- Robert Carr: Signs you've been
spending too much time on alt.religion.scientology - do
you spend too much time on a.r.s?
- "Critics" actually
Scienos! - the final ghastly revelation. You can also find
out here which a.r.s 'critic' is actually (*) himself.
- Michael Reuss: I nominate KoX
for Usenetter of the Year! - "You dare malign the name of
KoX!? Let me tell you a few things about KoX ..."
- Lisa Chabot: New ARSCC
Mottos - "I thought I'd dust off my Latin for all
Occasions, just for fun, and since it holds all the Latin I know
- Lightbulb jokes - how
many Scientologists does it take?
- Alan Furman: Auditing with the
Enemeter - "To be repeated until the auditee's effluvia
- Roland Rashleigh-Berry: If Clams
could discuss "case" - "Say John! You're very VGIs(tm) today. You
must be blown out(tm) by your incredibly on-source(tm), in-tech(tm), 100%
Standard(tm) auditing(tm). What Incredible Wins(tm) have you got to
Insider Tales - stories from ex-members
- Robert Vaughn Young: How Scientology "Grew" to 8
Million Members - " I have seen much speculation on where
Scientology representatives get their figure of '8 million members' or '6
million members.' Some wonder if it is people who have taken courses or
who have bought books or perhaps people who walk in the door. It's none of
that. Let me tell you how it started ..."
- Atarax88: Are there $cientology jokes
around? - "You mean in-jokes, or jokes outsiders make
about Scientology? Here's an in-joke, for example: A Sea Org new recruit,
a Petty Officer, and David Miscavige all went out together to a coffee
- Scientology: Disgusting Cult of
Booger Eaters - "I feel a little less resentful of
Scientology's SecretDeal[TM] with the US IRS, now that I know that by
paying more than my fair share of taxes I am helping Scientologists learn
how to eat boogers and like it."
- Travolta Still an Idiot
- in which Stephen quite emphatically disclaims any such Subject: line,
and correctly marks the second great Disco Film for the classic it is.
Not to mention a new Oscar category.
- GO RON! GO RON! -
Why Stephen likes his "Ron"s to be ... dominant.
- How Sensitive Are You?
The CoS takes the Cosmo Quiz - "The neighbors are
complaining, but you don't seem to care ..." Includes special email
section quoting the Pat Buchanan World Primer CD-ROM.
- Scientology + Mixatology =
Swingatology: The Science Of Fun! - "If it's so easy and
foolproof ie. INFALLIBLE, then why aren't all the kids doing it? Simple:
the kids aren't doing it because it don't mean a thing if it ain't got
that swing. True!" Also includes TrAdE sEkRiT a.r.s.c.c. cocktail
- L. Ron Hubbard - Messiah of Many
Hats - The importance of a hat in (as Madonna puts it) giving
good face. "To those hatted to handle a.r.s: maybe you are more of a
fez kinda bunch. Those ars wrangler hats just don't work."
- About The Truce -
"I think I speak for all little fellows when I say we feel shamed by
your harsh, yet loving, post. Until I read your taunts, I felt I knew it
all. Now ... I'm not so sure. What questions can RonsAmigo and I answer
- The Clown Car of
Ridicule - "Who would have thought such a tiny car could
contain so many infectious and revolutionary guffaws?"
I haven't listed Koos' own posts here (they're their own special kinda fun
... Koos keeps a full
archive), but, rather, some of the tributes he has inspired in his time on
- RI-348i-A Reactions about my Work -
Addition - In which Stephen Jones asks why Koos doesn't
answer his fan mail; and why Koos is like that other great
Ambassador for Mankind, Hello Kitty. (Koos posting replied to here is one
reposted by C.B. Willis.)