Date: Sat, 2 Mar 1996 10:11:07 -0800 From: Stephen Jones To: Rev Dr David Gerard Subject: Re: How Sensitive Are You? The CoS takes the Cosmo Quiz You wrote: >Well, dammit, due to the arcane methods I use to read news, my >copy of this got chopped off after a very few bytes. And I >really wanted to read it, too! Do you still have it floating >around? > >-- cheers, David. David, be careful what you ask for. While the editor in you will undoubtedly cringe at my spelling and punctuation, I'm hoping that the Australian in you will take me out for a beer and then beat the living daylights out of me in a Rugby match. Why? That's right, because ALL Australians love nothing more than beer and Rugby and they ride around on dingos and toss Koala bears for sport. I learned this from my Multimedia cd-rom, The Bizzare Rituals of Non-Americans and Other Primative Peoples: A Pat Buchanan World Primer. It's very interesting...you should hear what they do in France! All my best, Stephen Jones ----- Begin Forwarded Message "Showing too much vulnerability can leave a girl feeling raw. Then again, nobody wants a rep as a coldhearted bitch. Take our quiz, find out whether you need to toughen up-or try a little tenderness."- Carol Weston, Cosmopoliton Magazine Feb 96 pg.94 Self-Esteem is an important topic. Who doesn't want to throw a little party now and again in celebration of YOU! Who doesn't want to put on their smartest black dress, their slinkiest glasses, a load of perfume and dance the night away in celebration of the one thing that really matters in this world: YOU! While this party is fun and the music is great and everyone seems to like the casserole you baked, it is the smart host or hostess who knows when to turn the music down and send everyone out into the street to be hit by cars. Does one wait for the neighbors to complain? No, the smart host or hostess will NEVER wait for THE MAN to rear his well-coiffed head (the single host or hostess might wait because THE MAN could be cute or single or know someone who is cute or single or rich), the smart host or hostess will be SENSITIVE to the feelings and noise-tolerence levels of those who live below them and gracefully break-up the party, sending everyone out onto the street to play stickball or pull taffy. Sensitivity is the key...but how SENSITIVE are you? How sensitive are you, Church of Scientology? The neighbors are complaining but you don't seem to care. The smart host or hostess would have ended the party hours ago...why not you? Well, Scientology, you need not fret! Understanding the problem is the first step to solving the problem. With the help of the Cosmo Quiz, we'll give you a sensitivity make-over that will have the Raw-Meat drooling at your doorstep, credit cards in tow. Do I hear wedding bells? You bet I do! (Note: Cosmo Quiz questions are taken from the February 1996 edition of Cosmopolitan Magazine. Author? Carol Weston. The role of the Church of Scientology will be played by the cat, Trout, and her stuffed mouse toy. Any additional roles will be played by my sofa and a floppy disk. Thanks.) 1. Your man says he's exhausted and not in the mood. You: a. Wonder whether he's noticed the three pounds you've put on. b. Force yourself not to make a big deal. c. Say, "You're not? I am," then start massaging his shoulders. d. Ask, "How can you be tired? It's not even ten-thirty!" CoS: Hmmm, this is a tough one. Am I pregnant? This question assumes that I _want_ to. I don't know if it's such a good idea. Ron says, in Dianetics pg 370-371, that, 'Mother is saying, 'Oh, I can't live without it. It's wonderful. It's wonderful. Oh, how nice. Oh, do it again!' and Father is saying, 'Come! Come! Oh, you're so good. You're so wonderful! Ahhhh!' Mother's orgasm puts the finishing touch on the 'unconsciousness' in the child. Mother says, "It's beautiful.' Father, finished now, says, 'Get up,' meaning she should take a douche (they do not know she is pregnant) and then begins to snore." You see, it's a tough one. Do I really want to give my unborn child "coitus engrams" (p.371, Dianetics). Hmmm..Hmmm. Unless we don't talk, i don't think I would be in the mood. Let's skip this one. I can't? Hmmm. Ok, i'd chose d...but we have to be quiet so as not to disturb the children. 3. Your mother greets you at a party and whispers, "Don't you want to wear a darker lipstick?" You: a. Are amazed at how easily she can send you back to your awkward teen years. b. Wish she were better at complimenting than criticizing. c. Swing back with "At least my roots aren't showing." d. Smile and say, "Mom, if I wanted to wear a darker lipstick, I'd be wearing one." CoS: Oh! Oh, this one's so easy! C, of course. Always attack! I don't think i'd stop with "at least my roots aren't showing". This is a good start but a successful Dead Agenting takes more than just a good start. I could call her a fatty, "Hey Fatty!" During dinner I could ask Mom if the child molestation charges against had been dropped. She would deny knowing anything about such charges and she'd be right...but our dining companions don't know that. Delicious! 4. You pass a colleague having a tete-a-tete with a man you've never met. Failing to catch her eye, you: a. Walk by, not giving the moment another thought b. Think, How nice! She's wrapped up in a romance! c. Wonder whether she's annoyed at you. d. March up, say hello, and wait for introductions. CoS: Cinchy, D. One cannot wait to be intoduced to Mr. Raw-Meat, one has to a step-up to the plate and hit the home-run of love for oneself. Can a girl be blamed for saying just about anything to Mr. Raw-Meat to get him in bed? Of course not. Does he like the smart/sexy scientific type? Dazzle him with your lab coat and tell him All About Radiation. Does he prefer the sensitive spiritual gal? Easy, just wear a cross or a minister's outfit, call your apartment a church and let the worshiping begin. 9. When a neighbor neglects to invite you to a party, you: a. Scarely notice. b. Consider crashing-or complaining to the cops about the noise c. Feel left out, period. d. Remind yourself that the get-together might be for family or business. CoS: Ok, this one reminds me of something that happened recently. I don't like to talk about it because my feelings are still hurt and some of the court cases are still pending. Let's just say that i'd chose b. I crashed the party but nobody would take me seriously. I put a 'The Party has been canceled. Go home. The doorbell is broken, don't even bother trying to ring it' sign on the front door to the building...but that #@%#@!! manager took it down. What else could a girl do?! Well, this girl called the cops! Ha-ha! 11. When you miss a crucial shot during your league's weekly volleyball game, a teammate yells, "Wake up!" Your response? To: a. Fire off a few profanitites, let her know you won't be pushed around. b. Cringe, then say, "Sorry." c. Miss the next few shots-understandably, you're unnerved. d. Mumble, "Give me a break, " then keep playing as well as you can. CoS: How many times do I have to say it, "Scientology is not a turn the other cheek religion." Of course i'd choose a. Mark the following statements T for true or F for false. 1. Phoning people too early in the morning (or late at night) is a definite no-no. CoS: F. Sometimes, if it is during a really important court case or if it is a really nasty SP, phoning at all hours is most definitely not a "no-no". Grow-up. 2. You think less of those who make racist or sexist remarks. CoS: F. First, Hubbard never said he was perfect, Ok? Hey, your roots are showing...tramp. 3. You're tired or your mom's complaining that you never call or visit. CoS: T. I have nothing to say to her. I disconnected for a reason, MOM! You and Dad were putting all sorts of funny ideas in my head. I won't lick the boots of your Psychiatric masters! 4. Sometimes, when you tease, you don't know when to stop. CoS: True, true. Can't anyone take a joke? Hubbard was only kidding about the R2-45 auditing thing. Ha-ha. 5. After learning a relative is about to undergo surgery, you pick up the phone or send a card. CoS: F. I can't hear you, I can't hear you. Mom, stop bugging me...i'm disconnected...don't you get it?!! 6. More wine? You refill friends' glasses before your own. CoS: Is this a trick question? What's in it for me? I'd say, False! 7. News that married friends are on the verge of splitting always comes as a shock. CoS: I know, Lisa and Micheal seemed so _right_ for each other. He's an influencial gazillionaire with billions of loyal fans and she is really working her way up the Bridge. If only he knew what was best for him and didn't procrastinate when it came to auditing. I guess we saw it coming. I'll have to go with False. 8. You make it a point to ask after coworkers' families, vacation plans. CoS: False. Look, you signed a billion-year contract. I'd love to let you take a vaction but the Org needs you here right now. Maybe in the next century....SUCKA! 9. Small talk is a big chore. CoS: True, true. One really shouldn't be talking in the RPF, should they. Get back to work. 10. When choosing a restaurant, you keep your dinner companion's tastes and budget in mind. CoS: FALSE!!! Why can't they borrow more money? We can show anyone how to raise the limit on a credit card or play on the sympathies of family and friends. With us, the sky's the limit! Climb aboard, baby! 11. If a woman seems lost at a party, you make it a point to introduce yourself. CoS: True. We find that people are at their most vulnerabl..bestest when they are lost, alone or otherwise emotionally unstable. 12. You prefer "You're wrong" to a namby-pamby "I disagree" CoS: Heh-heh, it doesn't matter anyway, does it? You're wrong. Hubbard said you would be asking questions like this. Don't try to confuse me. Ok, Church of Scientology, let's see how sensitive you really are! Ok...a=3 points ...da da da..uh-oh...3 more points..hmmmm...3 points, 3 points, 3 points....ouch....yet 3 more points.... OK! Well...sit down, CoS. Remember, knowing is half the battle. Why don't you just get comfy, relax, enjoy a hot beverage and just think good thoughts. Here are your results: "Coconut. Where others take quick offense, you are quick to offend. Where others apologize, you lash out. Beware! Your reputation as callous, even cruel, could soon take root-if it's not already firmly planted. Want to change public perception? You might start by becoming more closely attuned to those around you, says Schwartz [Author of Love Between Equals: How Peer Marriage Really Works]. 'If you can't read other people's signals, you can't grow-a dangerous way to go through life. You hurt yourself, because you wind up lonely. Loving requires sensitivity. And if you become too narcissistic and self-interested, she continues, you become unable to love, to really be a lover. If you're so well defended that opening up is difficult, therapy may be recommended. For now, when a friend talks, slow down and listen to what he or she is saying-and meaning- rather than rush in to speak your own mind. A you get more generous with questions and praise, so too will your company become more welcome." Carol Weston pg. 102 Cosmopolitan Magazine, Feb 96 I know a good therapist, Scientology. Do you want her number? Love from a 21 to 44 pointer (sensitive-to a point), Stephen Jones ps. Buy Cosmopolitan Magazine and take the whole quiz yourself! How do you stack-up against the CoS? Will they sue me? I hope this ps does it's work! If you don't buy it for the quiz, buy it for the "Unleashing the Sex Goddess in Every Woman" article. It hasn't worked for me...but then again...women won't let me near them. ---- End Forwarded Message Date: Thu, 14 Mar 1996 05:11:48 -0800 From: Stephen Jones To: Rev Dr David Gerard Subject: Re: How Sensitive Are You? The CoS takes the Cosmo Quiz You wrote: >> Australian in you will take me out for a beer and then beat the >> living daylights out of me in a Rugby match. Why? That's right, >> because ALL Australians love nothing more than beer and Rugby and >> they ride around >> on dingos and toss Koala bears for sport. I learned this from my >> Multimedia cd-rom, The Bizzare Rituals of Non-Americans and Other >> Primative Peoples: A Pat Buchanan World Primer. It's very > >Hmm, Buchanan has much more on the ball than I thought. Of course, in >a primitive society like Victoria (ask LRH), we don't have rugby. We >have Victorian Rules Football (casually referred to as 'Australian' >Rules Football by non-Victorians), aka 'Fuck the score -- seen any >good injuries?'None of that prissy nelly armour'n'helmet stuff the >Americans favour. Huh. I don't know if you're familiar with Baseball, i myself am just learning about the game, but as far as I can tell it puts your Victorian Rules Football to shame. Picture this: One guy has a large wooden club and another guy has small, hard ball. The guy with the ball throws it as hard as he can at the face of the guy with the club. The club-guy frantically defends himself from the onslaught of hard white balls. When the club-guy hits the ball away from the ball-guy he usually runs around ball-guy, taunting him all the while. This enrages the ball-guy! Ball-guy is more determined than ever to hit someone in the face with the ball. I don't know why this is our national sport. >> interesting...you should hear what they do in France! > >I shudder to think. Well, Pat's got *my* vote with this one. Oh, I >can't vote there. D'oh! I might vote for Pat just to show the rest of world that America won't be pushed around anymore. Be nice or the American people will elect a crazy person. We've done it before and we can do it again. >I asked for this because I'm selecting items for a funny-stuff section >on my forever-on-the-way Web page at http://suburbia.net/~fun/scn/ . >If you go there, you'll see nothing. But I'm filling the directories >with stuff. Really. All I gotta do is HTMLise and index. Really. >Anyway, I'd love this on. (My test is a simple one: if I laugh out >loud embarrassingly, it gets in.) Also got a few other things of >yours, I think (not sure what at this second). I presume you'll be >honoured. Indeed! Had I known earlier, I would not have fingered you early-on as PTSupreme to my OSA masters. Sorry about that. Looks like I was right, though... I just read the transcript of your radio interview.. nice job. You really fit a lot in in only 9 minutes. I honestly don't know how you clearly articulated the history of ars and the CoS harassment like you did. My only experience speaking publicly about anything ars or CoS related was at a picket. I said 'ummm' a lot, I stammered and then I gave up and said, "here, read this flyer!"... so you can see why I was impressed with your interview. I'm not just saying this so that you will still put a post of mine on your web pages..even after receiving idiot mail from me. Really. >BTW, did you previously post as lazyboy@ix.netcom.com? Or does it just >happen to be another Stephen Jones with the same writing style on the >same machine? I think I've got some lazyboy ones too. I was looking for work and wanted to showcase my internet/communications savvy by placing my e-mail address on my resume (no one was fooled, btw). I didn't think anyone would be interested in hiring Lazyboy. > >-- d. > >(British comic. Viz. Very good. Recommended.) I haven't heard of Viz. Thanks for the recommendation, i'll keep my eyes peeled. Hoping all goes well this weekend, Stephen Jones