From: dst@cs.cmu.edu (Dave Touretzky) Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: News from the Year 2000 Date: 1 Jan 1998 09:22:05 GMT Organization: School of Computer Science, Carnegie Mellon Lines: 79 Message-ID: <68fn7t$5hc$1@mistletoe.srv.cs.cmu.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: skinner.boltz.cs.cmu.edu N E W S F R O M T H E Y E A R 2 0 0 0 KOBRIN TO JOIN MICROSOFT Redmond, WA (AP News) Microsoft's legal division announced today that its newly-formed department of intellectual property enforcement will be headed by Helena K. Kobrin, former IP litigator for the Chuch of Scientology. At a news conference today, Kobrin was asked if she thought there would be a significant difference between working for an organization known for foisting fraudulent "technology" on the public in a sinister bid for world domination, versus working for Microsoft. Her reply: "Stock options." WARD INDUSTRIES RELEASES MOBY POTTYMOUTH 2.1 Arcata, CA (UPI) Ward Industries, maker of one of the hottest computer products of the year, has announced the release of version 2.1 of Moby Pottymouth for Windows. The now infamous software package uses artificial intelligence and neural network technologies, combined with a huge dictionary and semantic network, to automatically generate creative diatribes combining scatology, ridicule, and humor. Pottymouth output has resulted in a flood of new correspondence to consumer complaint departments, elected representatives, and law offices. Ward Industries corporate counsel Thomas Hogan, who boasts of being one of the first beta testers of the Pottymouth prototype, said that numerous suits for defamation and inflicton of emotional distress have been filed against Pottymouth users. The software comes with litigation insurance. Thanks to the careful design of the product, no suit has been successful to date. MINTON APPROACHED BY UNIFICATION CHURCH Boston, MA (SP Newswire) Robert Minton, the retired banker who recently stepped down from his position as head of Scientology, Inc., formerly known as the Church of Scientology, has been approached by the Unification Church about a possible leadership position with that group. Commonly known as the "Moonies", the controversial organization formed by the Rev. Sun Myung Moon has had public relations problems for years. A church spokesman was quoted as saying: "When Bob Minton came on the scene, Scientology was one of the most hated and feared groups on the planet. But after the reforms he instituted, they're seen today as harmless kooks! We're hoping he can do the same for us." CARNEGIE MELLON ANNOUNCES NEW ENDOWED CHAIR Pittsburgh, PA (UPI) Carnegie Mellon University officials announced today that Dr. David Touretzky will be the first holder of the L. Ron Hubbard Research Professorship in Circuits and Implanting. The new endowed chair was funded by a grant from Bridge Publications, a division of Scientology, Inc. Scientology was founded by science fiction writer and well-known psychopath L. Ron Hubbard. When informed of the award, Touretzky, whose research involves the use of computers to understand brain function, said: "I'm delighted to accept the position. This goes against everything L. Ron Hubbard stood for. He'd be turning over in his grave right now -- if Norman Starkey hadn't had him cremated. Has anybody seen my ice pick?" FREEWINDS DOCKS IN MIAMI Miami, FL (Reuters) The Freewinds, a former Scientology vessel now owned by Lawrence Wollersheim, has entered US waters for the first time in recent history and is presently docked in Miami. "After spending the last 15 years skulking around the Carribean in fear of US authorities, we felt the Freewinds deserved to come home" said a source close to Wollersheim. The ship is being refitted in preparation for a huge party planned for later this year: the FACTNet Charity Ball. John Travolta will emcee the event. -- Dave Touretzky, KoX (SP4.9): film at 11.