From: tovaresch@aol.com (Tovaresch)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: *Xenu's Dictionary* (apologies to Ambrose Bierce)
Date: 25 Apr 1997 07:20:21 GMT
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Xenu's Dictionary:
(Public Domain)

-A-
Academy = a place for Scientology students to
    accumulate wisdom.  Each student takes a
    little in and none take any out, therefore
    it accumulates.
-B-
Bolivar = liberator of a continent who's errors
    were criticized by someone who couldn't
    bring off a successful coupe in Morocco. 
-C-
Clear cognition = "I mock up my own belief
    in a reactive mind."
-D-
Doubt = a condition of existence in Scientology
    ethics which Scientologists are sworn to
    never rise above respecting their own
    religion, as its formula for completion
    requires one cast aside bias and accurately
    inform oneself about rival points of view,
    while the code of Scientology requires one
    formally swear not to.
-E-
E-meter = a device that, when connected in
    a complete circuit, suspends disbelief
    at the end of two cables.
-F-
Florida = that state which is only a day's
    drive away from Gilman Hot Springs,
    California, if you don't mind being so
    utterly fatigued and bleary eyed that
    you weave aimlessly for the last few miles.  
-G-
Gradient = an incremental series of increases,
    each incremental step being small enough
    that it does not alter the basic trend of
    progress. Scientists noted that a frog
    placed in a pot of hot water will leap
    out, but a frog placed in a pan of water
    that is then heated in a sufficiently slow
    *gradient* will stay in it until boiled
    alive.  Scientologists know this discovery
    under the name *grade chart*, a minor
    mispronounciation.                    
-H-
Havingness = the glue that binds thetans to
    pictures, pictures to MEST, and thus
    thetans to MEST, then thetans to picture
    of having more MEST, then pictures of
    having unnecessary amounts of MEST and
    thus binds L.Ron Hubbard to your wallet.
-I-
Implant - the result of somebody having what
    they didn't want to have, but have because
    they have havingness for having even what
    they don't want to have.  As used in a
    sentence, "Gosh, that reg just wants to
    *implant* herself into my bank account
    until its empty."
-J-
Justice = What Scientology practices so
    ideally that no other group in the world
    can match it, to the point that
    Scientologists sing the praises of
    having an auditing technology that can
   "clean up all of the bad effects anyway"
    whenever someone encounters Justice.
-K-
Kobra - Nickname for the beloved lawyer who
   has not yet been Yagmaned (which see) and
   who stands as much chance as anyone else
   of winning the California Lottery, despite
   associating with so many OTs.
-L-
Lemur - a gentle furry animal that has no
   money and thus is never pestered by
   Scientologists.
-M-
Mettayya = the successor to the Buddha
   Guatama Siddartha according to prophecy.
   He will appear in the West and show us
   that renunciation of worldly attachments
   was never meant to include yachts.
-N-
NOTs = a course designed to relieve your
   mind about ever having to apply what
   you learned about "PTS Type III" cases.
   You are one and so is everyone else, so relax.
-O-
Overboarding = throwing a person off a
   ship into the water because at the moment
   one is completely unable to think of
   anything intelligent to say to them.
   Wogs generally do not overboard people,
   as this is what they have excusing
   themselves to go to the restroom for.
   See toilet.
-P-
Power Processing = A revolutionary discovery
    that enables people to have and handle
    power, but not carry on a conversation
    without risk of damage.
-Q-
Quentin - name of a guy who shows that
    rebelling against your parents is not
    so bad an idea, and telling them to "go
    fuck yourselves, I'm off to my flying
    lessons" is a healthy thing to say.
-R-
RPF = initials meaning "Repossess People's
    Freewill".  You can avoid having your
    freewill repossessed by agreeing that
    you can't return to membership in Scientology
    for 5 years after avoiding repossession, a
    deal which is ironically not taken by many.
-S-
Scientology = a Kafkaesque religion which
    starts out promising to transform you
    but just winds up bugging you.
-T- 
Toilet = what one sticks a Class VIII student's
    head into and flushes as a method of
    overboarding when on land.  What wogs use
    more intelligently -  see overboarding.
-U-
Universe = what everyone has a private one
   of but Scientology staff think can be
   invaded by dailing your phone number
   often enough.
-V-
Volts = what are used to measure "theta"
   despite "theta"  not being physical.
   See e-meter, above.
-W-
Word = Something you misunderstand when
   you don't agree with LRH. 
-X-
Xenu = a guy last seen sipping coffee in
   Majorca, who was puzzled as to why he'd
   been made an object of utter hatred and
   terror.  He's managed to move on with his
   existence and wonders why other's don't do the same.
-Y-
Yagmaned = being smeared and sued by
   Scientology in retaliation for refusing
   to violate legal ethics for their benefit.
   Stems from practice employed against
   well known California lawyer who had church
   as a client.
-Z-
Zeno of Elea = A greek philosopher who proved that it is
   impossible to reach the finish line of a race.  First 
   you must reach half way to the finish line, but before
   that you must reach a point half way to that point, and
   before that a point half way to there, and so on
   infinitely.  Original architect of the method of
   purging body thetans favored by LRH.